Back garden view from my veranda.About a year ago I wrote a note in Evernote and forgot all about it. As I didn't have anything special lined up for today's post I thought to resurrect that note.
NB: From next week, my posts will appear over the weekend.
What I wrote then was about finding peace in a world where being different is hard to accept, for me and for others. Me, I'm a serious lone wolf. I prefer my own company in a quiet, secluded environment, away from the demands of the world, to the extreme. I dislike going out, and prefer the company of my 2 fur babies Winnie and Hunny, who you've met, to that of visitors and other people. Mostly all I need is my peaceful, beautiful garden to gaze upon and stroll through. I write, often from my veranda, or from my office/guest bedroom which overlooks the garden. I also read, research and crochet from the veranda, or garden and play with the dogs when I can. I go out only when I must. Now I'm not being rude. It's just how I am. But some people don't understand that about me, and I'm okay with that, now. It wasn't always that way.
Many people would consider my lifestyle unhealthy, weird, sad or worse. Few would think I live an idyllic life in subtropical eastern Australia, by the beach.
My personal experience is that my way of 'being' sits outside the majority way, and other people seem to have a need to rope me in like a stray from the herd. You have to belong or you're an outsider. Being an outsider can be uncomfortable and create issues for all parties, but for some it's our path.
If you're an outsider, different in some way but not necessarily a lone wolf, you've no doubt felt pressure from the masses to fit in at some stage in your life. My mum, bless her, always pressured me when I was a teenager. She tried to get me involved in activities, to 'join in' and be gregarious. I tried for years, believing I 'should', because everyone else was. I hated and resented it, only wanting to be with a good friend or 2. I wasn't okay then.
Teenage years were testing enough and even as a young adult I somehow felt the differentness was a fault, my fault, and I should change it. I set about attempting to change, living out and believing in the life of others yet always searching for me. I looked outside of myself for peace and happiness, but because I couldn't find it, I kept finding it for my nearest and dearest, thinking I'd find mine too.
I knew I wanted and needed space, but how do you achieve that when you have a family? And I wasn't even clear what space meant to me. I'd been brought up to be the same as everyone else but knew I wasn't. On the outside I looked similar to everyone, on the inside there was a power struggle between the real me and the pretend me. Trouble was, even as an adult I couldn't tell which was which.
Then my children grew up and left home. I would be alone. I couldn't wait, and I LOVE it! (I love them too and they know it). These years are heaven and have given me the space to uncover me and my differentness. Maybe I'm a slow learner in that I've not understood myself sooner, but some just don't. Maybe I've got such depth that it takes longer to explore me??? :) I like exploring and excavating all sorts of things including myself and these pursuits take time. That's how I'm most happy, how I'm at peace, when I'm okay. It's my natural state of being.
Accepting being different, i.e being at peace with who I am has not been easy. It's an ongoing and evolving process. Recently my process hit a major roadblock. I've had to stop and take stock of a big chunk of my life, again. It's harder being a lone wolf because I'm more self reliant than other people and have to make important decisions myself more often than not. There's a risk of becoming too alone, so I need to be aware of myself. Currently I'm learning to evolve, learning not to repeat mistakes made in the past. I'm learning more everyday about me, what feels good, what works for me, therefore what's right for me, not what's right for others anymore.
If you're reading this and going "What the...?" then you're OKAY already, HOORAY. If my words gel with you and you feel different, take heart. Being different is okay just as much. If you can accept that, you've got yourself in the right frame of mind. Set about supporting you as that person, loving your uniqueness, and see it as a gift that no-one else has.
Being different often means being a lone wolf and therefore being disinclined to join support groups or clubs or online chat groups for help. It's like knowing that visitors are coming; you've got to be there for them, be responsive and alert, when all you really want to do is ignore everyone and be left alone. Often it's hard to find what you're looking for about yourself but these days the internet offers so much information without ever becoming involved. Personality tests such as Myers-Briggs are excellent and fun, yet serious ways to get insight into yourself. I did it and was blown away by what I discovered.
I also ask myself these questions from time to time. The answers keep my happiness, my differentness on track.
- What do I like?
- What makes me happy?
- What is fun?
- What is good?
- Where is good?
- Who is good?
Maybe there's a book here one day.
At the moment I'm catching up on some leisure-time reading, mostly when I've gone to bed. I've started on R D Brady's The Belial Stone series and am loving it.
That's it from me and Winnie and Hunny for this week, have a great weekend everyone,