Sunday, 29 September 2013


Last week was hard. I had gone way beyond my physical and mental limits for a month or so without resting. Last week nearly saw me burn. I could feel it and it scared me.

Pacing has become a real challenge, and is probably the hardest thing for me. I was always active, a do-er, and when I had the idea to do something, I did it. Not only was I physically active, but mentally as well. So I began to wonder about being driven, about achievement, about "getting things done" against simply "doing".

I fall into the first half of the equation and it wasn't until I was talking with a friend recently that I fully realised how much of an "achiever" I am. I don't particularly like the word, it smacks of "performance" and "competition", two other words I don't like :-) , but it opened my eyes a little more to me, again.

Constantly "achieving" means I've got tons to do, and it also means I'll never get to do it all. In my case I believe it contributed to acquiring CFS. And it's not only me, there are lots of other people like me. So what do I/we do? As challenging as it may seem, we MUST pace. There's no other way with CFS. I get sooooooo restless and frustrated though!!! I love doing stuff! Resting, and pacing activities really is necessary however. Last week I had no choice. I did rested. This week, I'm pacing and resting.

Saturday, 28 September 2013


This beautiful image came to me on Facebook a few weeks ago. I LOVE it! It struck a deep chord within me when I saw it. The image as well as the words.

We all have fears, known and unknown, ones we can easily overcome and others we never want to deal with. Some things are too scary after all aren't they? Hell yeah! And that's okay :-)  For me, a lot of things have been scary. I always wondered why. Maybe because of when I was a baby in a bassinette in the back seat of my parents' car. Dad was teaching mum to drive. We were going downhill and something happened to the steering. Mum no longer had any control. We ended up at the bottom of the hill narrowly missing a tree. As the story goes, I was thrown from the bassinette and was inconsolable for some time.

Could I say that fearful event set the tone for the rest of my life? Maybe. I certainly was shy as a child and have always been cautious. As an adult I came to understand how fear was behind much of what holds us back in our lives. I had 'known' that for many years. My breakdown made that clearer still. But then sometimes, something comes along which wakes us up a bit more to what's going on and why, and another piece of life's puzzle falls into place. 

So when I saw this image I had to laugh! Laugh because it felt so good to see it and read it. What an inspirational and memorable image to help dispel fear! It certainly helped me on a recent, notable occasion. I decided I was NO LONGER going down a particular, familiar, habitual fear path I had gone down in the past. And guess what? At that moment I FELT something within me change. Then wonderful things began to happen! 

So now I keep this image close, because it's beautiful and it makes me happy, even after this hard week with fatigue.

Sunday, 22 September 2013


This is Winnie on the left and Hunny. They are Australian Labradoodles and we all live together. Most of the time peace reigns, but some days can be crazy, and I can't pick them in advance! I've always had dogs and when my last girl passed away in March 2011, I was heartbroken and didn't want another dog.

Later that year I was talking to a friend over coffee and we were chatting about dogs..... Next thing you know I found Winnie, then Hunny 6 months later. It was good to have dogs again, puppies no, :). Winnie came along when mum was still living with me. She loved dogs too, but a fragile bipedal senior with a wheelie walker and a frisky quadrupedal junior with sharp teeth weren't the best mix.

A year later I had the CFS diagnosis, and it's now a year after that. Sadly I don't take the Doods for as many walks as I thought I would, but I have a big and interesting backyard for them. At the moment it's approaching doggy dinner time and they are getting restless. That's no doubt partly due to the fact that I've been on the bed most of today and we haven't had a play (I toss the ball, Winnie retrieves, Hunny watches).

I've overdone it lately, bigtime, and am having (another) long hard look at myself.

I said a post or 2 back that I was having a day off and then talked about hosing the veranda. With CFS? How? Well, I have CFS in a mild/medium way and can get about. Unfortunately, it still means I have to rest and pace myself everyday, but I haven't the last few weeks. When I feel ok I do what I did 3 to 4 years ago. Stupid. I can get away with it for a day or 3 but not a week or 3. Like I said, I've overdone it.

So here we are, all 3, on my bed, waiting for 5pm, dinner time. The Doods are lucky, I'll get theirs, but who's getting mine?

Friday, 20 September 2013

Hooray it's Saturday

Saturday is much like any other day for me,  as I only work 1 day a week now, Friday. Saturday is still a great day all the same though isn't it?

A full day working means I am quite exhausted. It also means I'm frustrated and impatient to get on with 'stuff' but I know now that I need to rest.

Even writing is tiring, and I need to pace myself with that too. This is the way with CFS for me. Every action must be weighed against its reaction. If I do too much, I pay. And it's not restricted to physical activity. Like I said, even writing is tiring.

Sometimes it's difficult to know when enough is enough, especially for a person who was very active and busy, and I go over my limit. So these days I'm pacing my writing, only working my day job one day a week, and watching my garden grow rather than assisting it to grow.

On the other hand, I also have Winnie and Hunny, my beaut labradoodles. They've done their morning circuit of the back yard and are now snoozing next to me on the veranda. I'll introduce them in my next post.

Sunday, 15 September 2013

A day off...

Today is a day off in the sense that I've not done any writing. Hosing the veranda and housework, yes.

I believe the breakdown I had and the story it tells was a BIG factor in 'acquiring' CFS. Although that was 15 years ago, other more recent stressful events tipped the scales too far. As a result I have CFS.

At the beginning of last year I came very close to burn out due to circumstances beyond my control. Once resolved, I expected the exhaustion I felt would go, I'd return to full-time work and life would settle into a more peaceful rhythm. Well the exhaustion never left and in fact I had to reduce my work hours further.

In October last year I was diagnosed with CFS. I work one day a week and I get a little assistance, but together it's barely enough to live on.

Sooooo, I've started writing. I've always been 'told' that writing was in my life, but never knew what it really meant. Now, on the bones of my a*#e, I'm listening to what I was told, and am writing. It's tiring, and I have to pace myself, just like with any other activity, but I LOVE it.

AND, I can work from home!

So this is where this blog will go from now. It will head of into the world of writing with CFS. Happy days until next time xx

Friday, 13 September 2013


My eBook "BROKEN" is almost finished. As I said, it is the story of a nervous breakdown which took me through a 'dark night of the soul' journey. Not only is it about my experiences during that time, but it's also written with the hope that others will address their or their loved ones' high stress levels before it's too late.

The best way to have a nervous breakdown is to not have one.